Mask

Everyday I put on a mask with elaborate shades and tones. No one will ever know what’s behind it. The pain that’s deep inside, the tears that flow every night.

Once the mask began to crack and piece of me began to pierce through, began to shine. I looked around to see if anyone would notice, that they would see my pain and want to help. “Are you ok?” They would ask and I would say “I’m fine” and with those two words the cracks in the mask are filled in. The pain is covered with another layer of concrete. 
Why didn’t I tell them what I was going through, why didn’t I let them in.. I was ashamed.

Trapped

When you want to break free but at the same time you are stuck. Stuck just as if you are in quick sand with no where to go, just praying for someone to reach for your hand and pull you out. You want someone to help but you are sinking, slowly, deeply.

You are being pulled you down, you can’t seem to make out who it is but then suddenly it becomes clear. It’s you. Your are trapped within your own mind. Everytime you think “I can make it, I can make it out alive” your mind denies you that chance.. “you can’t do it, you won’t be happy, you won’t be success, you won’t have a life, just say there and die.” Your mind slaps, kicks and cuts you with these words as you fight to get out.

You can’t do it, you’re trapped, a prisoner in your own mind.

Scripted reality

Do you ever feel like you are watching your life as a movie? What would you think of yourself as the lead character in the movie? Are you a villain, a hero or just the Average Joe?

I always look at situations in my life and feel like I should have done it better, wishing I could rewrite the script. Maybe if I was more outgoing I would have a larger group of friends, maybe if I wasn’t so opinionated and head strong I wouldn’t have lost friends, maybe if my parents loved me I would be able to give love and not be so harsh in my relationships. It doesn’t really help that social media makes you as the lead character of your life seem inadequate. Seeing #relationshipgoals as your friends get married and have kids or seeing another friend travel the world. Yes I know not everything on social media is what it seems. You don’t see the struggles behind the #relationshipgoals. You don’t know how many pictures someone takes and how many filters they have used just to get that one perfect photo that gets a million likes on Instagram. However it’s still there making an imprint on your mind. Making you wish you had that life. Making you think “wow they are having so much fun and I’m sitting at home, in my bedroom, watching the four walls closing in and suffocate me.”

I need to get out, push back the walls and break free. I can’t change the past but I can make a better future. I don’t want to coast through life anymore. I want to be the hero in my movie.

Life Update

You are probably waiting for me to say that I have found the love of my life and that I have a big rock on my finger. Well sorry to disappoint, all of that is still a dream and has not happened in my reality yet. In fact I have not been on date since last summer. Some days I feel like saying “what is wrong with me? Am I ugly?” Then I snap out of it and say that I am a Queen and I have not found anyone to be my King yet. I feel content with it and know it will happen in good time.
I really want to go on a journey of self discovery. I want to try to find out what my purpose is in life. I got a new job at the end of last year but after a few months I’m getting bored of it. I’m tried of going from job to job and just not enjoying it. I don’t know what it is but I have been on the earth nearly 30 years and I feel like have not made an impact. I may have a degree but what have I actually achieved in my life?

I have to look deep within myself to figure out who I am and what I want to do with myself. When I figure that out, that is when my life will begin.

Leave negativity and people pleasing in 2015

Let’s face the facts.  You could be the kindest, God fearing, charitable person who puts everyone first, but there will always be someone out there that does not like you. You cannot please everyone, there is always going to be someone that will throw some sort of “shade” your way.

So how do you deal with this?

Feel free to voice your opinion but do not get upset when other people do not share the same views as you. Brush the negativity off your shoulders and move on. If you keep hanging on to every negative comment you hear from other people it will only get you down, which could (in worse case scenarios) lead to depression.

Only allow positivity to enter your life in 2016.

Weddings

I have attended four weddings this year and I have been a bridesmaid for all of them. I wouldn’t say that I am the soppy romantic type but I truly love weddings, from the months of planning to watching my friends walk down the isle in a beautiful white dress.

When I go to a wedding I usually think that I might find “the one”. A nice guy that I will just click with. I actually had a dream the day before my friend’s wedding that I caught the bouquet (this didn’t actually happen on the day). Instead what usually happens is I get the drunken guy asking for my number so that they can add it to the amount collected from other women throughout  the course of the evening. Oh and not forgetting comments from family members saying “this time next year will it will your turn”. 

Hearing that after every wedding this year has been a bit annoying. I’m actually the only single woman in my circle of friends and I feel jealous that everyone else has found a life partner and I’m still on the shelf. I want it to be my turn, I just don’t know when it will happen. 

I’m getting closer to 30 and I should be starting the next chapter of my life but I am not desperate. I will never just settle for just anyone, I just have to be patient and let God show me the one.

Interviews

Whether you like it or not this is a process you have to go through to get the job you want.

I personally hate this process. I have been to a lot of job interviews in my lifetime and only got a handful of jobs. You might think I was not prepared that’s why I didn’t get the job, but I think it’s just depends on the interviewer and if your skills match with what they are looking for. You could have the perfect CV and practiced all the interview questions but if you turn into a nervous wreck during the interview then you are unlikely to get the job (this has happened to me in the past). 

Some people may also think that it’s all about who you know not what you know. In a way this is true, if someone can put in a good word for you then it may go in your favour.
I feel that although I have been turned down for a job so many times, I will be confident that one day I will get a job. I just have to fake it until I make it.

Celibacy really cuts out all the BS

When I decided to become celibate it was mainly because of all the bad relationship that I had. I feel that when woman sleeps with a man they become so emotionally attached. I wanted to go into a new relationship with a clear head and not feel like I needed to sleep with someone to get close to them.

When I became involved with Mr P (yes I’m still talking about him) I felt like this was it, I can now embark on a relationship that I want and set my own rules. I wanted a man to take charge of situations, notice when I was not happy and wanted to be with me for me and not only just my body. At the end of the day Mr P is a man, he will always want to sleep with me but after telling him I was celibate he was understanding however I did start to notice aspects in his personality I did not like. Although we were the same age I sometimes felt that he was immature. One of the main reasons why I think it did not work between us was that he lacked basic communication skills. He did not listening and often disregarded my feelings. We would talk here and there during the week but when we met up we had nothing to say. I would often bring this up and find ways to resolve situations however he would be on his phone or just laugh and say I was being too sensitive.

I am not saying that I am perfect, everyone has their flaws but if someone is not willing to try and fix it and still wants to be right all the time then it’s best to leave them be. I think if I was sleeping with him I would have missed all the signs of a bad relationship.

This has also made me realise that I need to sort myself out even more than before. Relationship can be a distraction and take over your whole being, you sometimes are more focused on his needs and forget your own. In my case I should be more focused trying to build my career and getting my own place. When I have my life in order I will have more to bring the to the table to be able to attract the type of man that I want.

I think I’m depressed 

Ok I heard you “Vee why are you exaggerating”. Today I just felt so low, to the point where I didn’t feel like there was a reason to get out of bed.

I have stopped talking to Mr P and it’s just made me feel down. “Are you really going to let this man get to you? Just snap out of it!” That’s what I have been trying to tell myself but it’s just not working. I’m just in a funk.

Every time a relationship ended I have always had my job to distract me, but since I lost my job I feel like I am in a downward spiral. Let’s just look at the time line.. I was cheated on and dumped in January, lost my job in the middle of the year which resulted in me moving back in with my parents as I couldn’t afford the rent on my flat, and i’ve already talked about what happened with Mr P. I don’t know if things could get any worse. 

I guess the only thing I have is my good health and a roof over my head, however there are still two more months left this year for that to change. 

Second Chance

I gave the guy in my previous post (he seemed perfect on paper) another chance. Let’s call him Mr P. Mr P and I were hanging out a lot as friends. It was just nice to just hang out with someone I really clicked with and it took my mind off the job hunting for a bit.

He worked in Canary Wharf and he asked me to meet him after work for dinner. Of course I said yes, it’s not a date , I was just having dinner with a friend. Dinner was great and we went for a walk afterwards. Then all of a sudden he grabbed me a kissed me. I was a bit shocked but at the same time I didn’t stop him, I saw fireworks.Over the next few weeks we went on a lot more dates and although I had to get used to his public displays of affection I felt like he wanted to be with me. He was over his ex girlfriend and I didn’t feel like I was a rebound.

Mr P had to take a business trip to Spain for a week and we talked everyday while he was there. Everything was going great.

When he came back I couldn’t wait to see him but due to his work schedule I didn’t see him until two weeks later. He asked me come to his house and I ended up meeting his whole family. It was a bit strange as he introduced me to them as his friend. He didn’t faze me as we weren’t not that serious, we were just dating and seeing how things go.

After meeting his family I didn’t see him for a while but we did speak everyday however I could sense something was a bit off with him.

I asked him to meet me at Starbucks so we can talk. When he arrived looked like he was not happy to see me. I just got straight to the point. I asked why he had been distant with me since he came back from Spain as I thought we were dating and getting know each other. He then proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t sure about me and we were not dating. He felt like things were going too fast and he wanted to take things slow.

Wow. Just wow. I really didn’t know what to say to him after that. After sitting there in silence for a while I said he can take all the time he needed and got up and left.
I don’t know why I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I felt like I was opening up to him, I felt comfortable with him and after all that he is not sure about me.

I give up *sigh*.